Wednesday, October 05, 2005

ta da!

i explain a lot.

Monday, October 03, 2005

.ugh.

of course, within 45 minutes of that post, i get a "comment" which is an advert for penile implants. gosh, how DOES capitalism know so well how to solve all of my problems. uncanny really, simply uncanny!

waining words

i used to write all of these love poems. real sonnet sequence-like. all "you comeplete me, girl." i cringe to read some of them sometimes. maybe its just the lonelyness i felt that makes me shift in my seat when i revisit them. or the desperate need for connection and acceptance, even from those who were abusive to me. some of them are clearly not about the person i thought i was writing about, but, rather, like a good pisces, i was dreaming of other lands, other ways of connecting, the girl who would complete me, the one who would show me how to dance and lick my wounds and to never let one destract from the other.

but there is this one poem that i have been thinking about a lot lately. mostly because ive been thinking really hard about the word "woman," how i connect with it and how i dont. some thing with the word "transgender." i'm very foucaultian in this way -- i think through the world through words. which sometimes makes it hard to move because you can think about words forever, especially if you are me. but have been thinking about how the word "butch" feels more like my gender than the word "woman" and then i thought of this poem. or, rather, a line of a poem. my own words swirl in my head sometimes. i sould take this as a signal that i need to go back to those pieces. so it is the first line of the following poem that came to me.

Constitution
"For of the soul the body form doth take;
and soul is for doth the body make"
-- Edmund Spencer

i am a curiously boyish woman
with intentions and perceptions.
things about me not readily seen
in my lips or
in my eyes or
in my gait or

maybe in my eyes

but their language
is harder to decipher than
i might wish for some.

i am within my body
gloriously throughout my budy.
times,
certain times,
i can
feel i can
taste i am

present
with every cell in my body

that i am
curiously boyish and
that i am
strangely furryish and
that i am
not neccessarily drunk
when i laugh
except off anticipation,
and fear of condemnation.


you know, there was more about the girl in there but i'm realiozing that so much of these words are really not about the people that i was thinking of at the time. and i wonder if i could reconnect with them better if i thought about me rather that what this person was doing or not doing for me. i guess this is the begining of that project. which makes me think of a poem i wrote more recently.


to move from resentment
to empowerment,
would be my greatest joy.
to exist in multiple worlds,
masculine,
feminine,
working class kid,
college educated adult,

.bi-cultural.