Thursday, October 20, 2005

come on dream catcher

panopticon


i am suddenly feeling paralized by the very publicness of this blog. can i talk about how ive been _________ lately? or that i've been thinking about how ___________ effects my life? can i write about intimate relationships? am i willing for my life to be that public?

ugh.

this is all of the thinking that keeps me from writing in the first place. but im not quite sure how to get around it.

sometimes you see someone that you once knew, but you dont anymore and it feels like you are watching a flashback of something that never happened. and im glad i finally have a descripter for that feeling -- a flashback of something that never happened. Freud called this "uncanny." hot little etymological study he did about that word. the realized that if you run through the roots, it means both a home-like thing and something that is foreign. and that is exactly the feeling of uncanny, i think. and it is sortof where ive been at lately.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

instant karma's gonna git you

right after that last post i was feelin fine, fine, fine. i felt like i got out some thoughts, realsized how silly some of it was, and was excited for a good night sleep. i went to turn off the lights and get into bed with my lady, and i tripped over a fucking shoe and broke my toe. had to call out of work for two days. no healh insurance. my lady believes that it is my body telling me to slow the fuck down. i have to agree. its like all of my negative thoughts broke my toe.

so, iv'e basically been sitting around the house. and i have to say that i like it here. and i feel kinda well rested. i just have to figure out how to do that when im, you know, working. i've been reading this book, Feeling Good, (did you catch that title, Pisces....) and it is basically a cognitive therapy approach to depression. when i first started reading it, it was all "all feelings come from negative thoughts" and i saw the blinking lights of Patriarchy. it made me feel like i was supposed to deny my feeling and just Think Rationally, Son! but i recognised that as an old narrative. i know now that my feelings are very valid. what i need is a way for them to not be overwhelming. and the part that made sense in the book was that unrealistic and totalizing thoughts feed the monster of depression.

i'm so glad i broke my toe....